The Five Stages of Grieving

Grief is a normal human response to the loss of a parent and is a way of healing from the pain of the loss – but you need to accept the pain and not try to cover it up before the healing can start.

Grief is unique. Everyone experiences it in different ways. These phases can combine with each other in different ways and some can last for weeks, months, or even years; but they’re all normal parts of experiencing grief.

1. Denial and Isolation. When something awful happens, the normal response is denial like, “This isn’t fucking happening to me!” or “I’m fine, I’m FINE, just leave me alone!” Denial is your brain’s way of trying not to let all the pain hit you at once – instead, denial gives you little doses here and there so that reality doesn’t completely knock you on your ass all at once. Denial can make you feel like you don’t feel anything at all, which is confusing when everyone around you is expecting you to freak out. Sometimes, people in denial isolate themselves from other people who might remind them of what happened.
   
2. Anger. This is when you realize that THIS SHIT IS REAL. It happened. Someone you love is dead and gone forever. And this is when you get pissed off. You might get angry at other people, or envious of them since they don’t have to deal with this, or you might not be angry at anyone at all. You might be angry at your dead parent for abandoning you. This is NORMAL. Anger can help you to heal, but it will only make things worse if you let it escalate to a dangerous level. Make sure to find ways to vent your anger in a way that won’t hurt yourself or anyone else.
   
3. Bargaining.  After you’ve stopped feeling completely pissed off at life, you enter this stage where you basically try to plead with God (or whoever) to change what happened. It’s almost like you’re saying to the universe: “Okay, I’m done being pissed. Can I just get a little more time with my dad?” or “If I promise not to talk back and get all my homework done on time, will you give me Mom back?” You might find yourself finding ways of trying to make contact with your dead parent or trying to make deals with God.
   
4. Depression. When bargaining doesn’t work, and you’re no longer pissed, and you’re no longer denying this has happened, real life hits you. This shit is for real, and you have to live with it forever. You may cry, sleep all day, stare at the television, and just generally feel no motivation to do anything. It’s always a good idea to talk to friends or counselors during the grieving process, but it’s especially important in this phase. Depression can last for weeks, months, even years; sometimes it will feel better, but then maybe a memory will flood back and make you feel worse.
   
5. Acceptance. Acceptance is the most confusing stage of grieving. You accept that this has happened to you and your family, but it’s not like you can ever be totally “over it.” Your friends, family, and teachers might assume during this phase that you’ve moved on with your life because you’re learning how to live this new version of life without your parent in it. Some people might expect you to return to your "normal, happy self." It’s a lot like learning to walk again with one leg missing, though. It will NEVER be like it was, but life can can be lived again, just differently.

If your grief is so intense that you have thoughts of suicide, please pick up the phone and dial 911.  In addition, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is open 7 days a week, 24 hours per day: 1-800-273-8255.